Mother Nature's vicious hand

The new David Attenborough documentaries have scared the living hell out of me.I remember a warm voiced David, like a nice old Uncle bringing you a hot chocolate before bedtime and soothing you to sleep with yarns of dozing jaguars and fuzzy small mammals nuzzling themselves in warm hay. Something has happened and the BBC have had a bad dream, in their apocalyptic new world Gazelle's throats are being ripped out by blood hungry Hyenas whist the newborns eyes are sellotaped open, forced to watch the decimation of thier kin. I remember a time when animal documentaries only glanced at the horrific nature of the wild, this has however dived in to the gorefest head first, splashing claret, sinew and guts without abandonment. I was going to go for a walk after to clear my mind but thought better of it in case a blood maddened prickle of hedgehogs rampaged my ankles, felling me and then finishing me off like a human pin cushion.

So nature is awful, everything eats everything and then eats things back. Imagine popping down to the local pub and having to watch you back in case a group of psychotic 12 year olds dismembered you and ate your liver (though I think this actually may happen in places like Sheffield). The lion, king of the jungle also has a pretty harrowing life, being constantly fought for superiority within the pride and finally ousted, left to scavenge around the wilderness for tit bits (similar to Vanessa Feltz's TV career).

Then I thought Lions don't have it too bad, in fact they don't have to deal with Recruitment Agencies, Tax offices or wasting their Saturdays while pre-pubescent pimply numpties infiltrate every shop on mass. Actually Lion, I would trade places with you in a moment. I would gladly watch you negotiate with Estate Agents, hey, I would even sellotape his child s eyes open whilst you rip his trachea from his still warm body.

On last word, MTV it is okay to show African women's breasts, you don't have to air brush them out on your 'documentaries', they are non sexual, traditional and actually used to feed babies. If that gets 15 year old boys feeling frisky,well fine at least it goes some way to obliterating racism. At least the air headed clots at MTV didn't dress them all in Prada catsuits fending off hyenas and jackals in a perfectly choreographed dance routine.